Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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