You smell like stripper and shame
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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