I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
