I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
