I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
