You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
