Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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