i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
