I met the friendliest cop last night
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
