what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
