Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
