I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
