i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
