I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
