Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
