The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
