your parents love me but you hate me
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
