I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
