Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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