More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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