Three words: puerto rican gang bang
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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