I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
