I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
