You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
