You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
