Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Randomize
