i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
