Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
