I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
