its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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