please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
