Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
