i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
