it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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