I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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