He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
