Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
