i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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