There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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