I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
