Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
