One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
