When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
