dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
