Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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