i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
