Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
