I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
