The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
