She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
