he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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