Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
